We as parents put pressure on ourselves when it comes to our children: "Wean the tot off the bottle or he'll get too attached," "Take away the pacifier or it will affect your child's speech," "Get on the potty train NOW or your son will miss it," "Give less juice and more milk and improve your family's diet," and the list goes on!
And the fact that we're experiencing the most difficult economic times since the Great Depression means life is more overwhelming than ever. We're over-doing, over-thinking, over-working, over-compensating, and over-tired.
I want to say as a mom who puts pressure on herself to keep up with it all, to "Give yourself permission to be an imperfect parent."
It seems we are always striving, and that is a good thing. But I must confess, as a mom, I feel I am often over-striving. And I need to stop and remind myself that it is OK to be less than: less than perfect!
I'm not a perfectionist, not by any means, just an over-doer-mom. Part of the reason is my Montessori background and the fact that I have a special needs child who has many, many needs and the pressure to fulfill those needs is great.
But at the same time, I am OK with NOT being the perfect parent. I am laxed with the potty training (going on year two!). I allow my son to watch videos (I tell myself it's because he's an only child with no siblings to play with). Sometimes I forget to have him brush his teeth. I still let him have a "blankie" at age 4 1/2. I buy him too many books and puzzles (that's probably a good thing). I don't give him juice but I let him have chocolate soy milk mixed with regular milk.
Above and beyond parenting we put pressure on ourselves to clean, cook, budget, pay bills on time, pull weeds, care for an aging parent, bake cookies (actually I don't do that), do laundry, have a social life (goodness forbid!), and... you get the picture.
So... what if we let the house work go? Say no to baking those cookies (I do!). Take a break from our elderly parent(s) once in a while. Open a can of soup for dinner. We can let a few things go and still be good moms!
And during these tough economic times it's even more important that you take the pressure off of yourself: let your two year old keep her bottle a little while longer. Keep the pacifiers around another six months. Hold off on potty training until YOU are ready for it. Give your kid some juice (but mix it with water--see! there I go again!).
Strive to under-strive.
Perfect that art of imperfection.
Be a mom who can--and cannot, "Not now, maybe later, mommy's tired... here, have some juice."
*****
How are you an imperfect mom? Leave a comment!
Tuesday
In These Hard Times Some Motherly Advice
The Battle of the Toothbrush!
What to do when your little one no longer wants you to brush his teeth and gums! A concerned parent emailed me recently about her toddler:
My only child... is 19 months old now and has recently begun resisting getting his teeth brushed.... He used to put the brush in his mouth on his own at first, then I'd brush his teeth before we were "done". Now he doesn't want to hold the brush and will turn his head, push his tongue out, and press his lips down. I try making funny sounds (he'll laugh and open his mouth but it's short lived) or finally pin him down and get it done.... Am wondering if you have any thoughts about my only child.
Here's what I did when my son started to resist getting his teeth and gums brushed, I stopped. I wanted him to LOVE brushing teeth... not hate it!
My husband was oh-so-concerned about this decision. But I felt like pushing the issue (of cleaning his teeth) could turn my son off to the whole ideal of brushing his teeth forever and ever and ever, and then where would we be? In the dentist office with problems galore!
So I let him do it himself, I gave him fun flavors of toothpaste including non-fluoride. I had a score of toothbrushes to hand him after each mealtime... but I did not interfere. Over time my son began to LOVE brushing his teeth! It was his job, not mine, even though he was not actually brushing his teeth but sucking and chewing on the toothbrush.
I chose to fight OTHER battles instead, like keeping my son's glasses on! I felt like that was more important at the time. (He's been wearing glasses since he was six months old; and not until age four did he finally give up the fight and keep his darn glasses on all the time.)
So what's happening with teeth brushing now that he's 4 1/2? He lets me brush his teeth, once a day, at bedtime. And it's not a battle! (It helps that I count to twenty and that he loves numbers.)
He still does it himself, and he still loves it, so much so that lately he's been sneaking into the bathroom to... No, not flush the potty over and over. No, not pull all the paper off the toilet paper roll. No, not dump the trash on the floor. He sneaks in there to brush his teeth when no one's watching!
As parents, we have to decide which battles to fight. I chose not to fight this one. It took a few years of letting go, however, but I was confident we would both win in the end!
Footnote: our dentist appointments were very helpful! Our son did not have any issues with his gums or his teeth. However, I knew there would come a day when the dentist would tell me to get in there and brush my son's teeth, I put off that day for a long time. And now it is not an issue.
So what's the moral of the story? Give up a battle today to win a war tomorrow (and check in with your child's dentist!).
*** *** *** ***
Does your child resist getting his or her teeth brushed? Leave a comment!
Friday
T'was the night before Mothers Day, when all through the house...
T'was the night before Mothers Day, when all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a--oh, wait there is a child stirring, she wants water, again! (She spilled the first cup...)
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care in hopes that someone would fold them and put them away where they belong, they've been hanging there a week!
The children were nestled all snug in their beds, (except the child who just spilled her second cup of water!) while visions of sugar-free plums danced in their heads.
And Papa in his cap, and I in my 'kerchief, had just settled our brains for a long winter's... (What rhymes with 'kerchief?)
When out on the roof there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. (And tripped over a toy truck left on the floor--must I always put the toys away?)
Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutter, and threw up the sash. This sash is dirty! That reminds me, I have to do the laundry in the morning.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow gave the lustre of midday to objects below, when, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.
What? A miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer? Am I seeing things--again? I MUST BE SLEEP DEPRIVED! I have GOT to get some rest!
"Happy Mother's Day to all, and to all a good night!"
Tuesday
My child won't take a lesson!
Recently I got an email from a mom of a young three year old in Asia who won't let the mom give lessons. (Usually I get these emails from moms of toddlers!) Alas, I have the same issue with my son (and he's older than three!). Some kids will never take instruction (well) from a parent! What to do?!
Try instead to interact with your child during other times, like when he or she is taking a bath, looking at books with you, getting dressed, or sitting down and eating. (I think this is called having a captive audience!) Count the pieces of food while you put them in the dish: count ten grapes or ten crackers; or introduce colors to your children while eating: "This is a red place mat, this is a yellow cup. Can you say red? Can you say yellow." Then the next day, point to the red place mat and ask her "Is this red or yellow?" And a few days later, ask her "What color is the place mat? What color is the cup?" This is a three-period lesson given over several days.
I did this all the time with my son who has Down syndrome, and by age three he knew all his primary colors and he knew them in sign language! All from interacting with him at meal time, bath time, getting dressed, looking at books.. and not through a sit-down-at-a-table-or-a-rug lesson!
So what I'm trying to say is you have to be creative and find other ways to "teach" your child without sitting down and giving lessons (for now).
It is harder for moms to give their children lessons because the young child wants to be in control of his or her actions and does not want mom to interfere! And if you are a type of person who needs to have control, your child is teaching you to let go of some of that control.
But I feel for all you moms who have trouble giving lessons to their youngsters, my son does not let me give lessons or help him do much of anything! I have to be very creative! It keeps us moms on our toes to be sure!
How do you give your hard-to-teach child lessons? Leave a comment!
Should Your Child Continue On In Montessori?
I receive email from time-to-time from parents who question whether or not they should keep their child in Montessori school, especially if the child is five, because the question becomes whether the child should stay in Montessori for their Kindergarten year, or enroll in a public school or non-Montessori private school, enter a Waldorf school, or stay home and be homeschooled. It is a big decision! The following is an email from such a mom:
My almost five year old is finishing his second year at a montessori school, and though we love it, I am not sure their approach is what is best for him. He has been building the same words for the past six months [Movable Alphabet] and generally is not motivated to do new harder things because he isn't good at it. He gets the greatest satisfaction out of easier work. The teachers try to get him working on more serious stuff, but it he generally seems bored at school and tells me he doesn't want to go because it's boring. I know that montessori likes everyone to move at their own pace, but he is telling me he is bored and I know that he is not getting the push that he needs to keep things challenging for him.
In a nutshell, this mom was wondering if she should take her child out of the Montessori school and was asking for my opinion on her son's current situation...
Learning to read: In Montessori's view there are two sensitive periods for reading: one at age five and another one at age eight. However, not all children have an interest and a hunger to read at age five--to get them to reading is like pulling teeth! Instead, they show an interest around age eight. (Waldorf begins reading lessons at age eight, but not before.)
So it may be that this mom's five year old son is not interested in reading, or getting to reading, and it may not come until age eight. The problem now is if he is pushed too hard to read, at age five, it may turn him off altogether to reading so that by age eight he just hates it--then you really have issues.
It may be that he is more interested in numbers and counting and math, or social interaction, or geography, or plants and animals.
So I do not think pushing him in reading or pre-reading is an answer, at school or at home. And there are plenty of other areas of the classroom that he can work in.
What you want more than anything is for your child to love learning, and if he is not loving learning, ask yourself what changes you need to make to get him on that path. Sometimes it is a different teacher! But we don't always have control over that. Maybe you are the answer and homeschooling is more appropriate. But make your number one goal to teach your child to love learning, not to teach him to learn how to read or build longer words. And a good, experienced Montessori teacher will know and understand this, even if it recommends that the child not continue in Montessori.
I recently had to make the heart-breaking decision (for me) to take my son out of his Montessori school and place him in a special needs class, a decision I did not make lightly! But I knew that most importantly, I want him to love learning, to love school, even if it means not sending him to Montessori.
Friday
Potty Training Boys
My son E. is 26 months and has been wearing underwear for about a week during the day (cloth diaper at night). For the first day or two, he'd make it to the potty about half the time.... But after those first few days any suggestion of the potty upset him very much. So, I stopped mentioning the potty, thinking he is still learning about his body.... The past few days he has not attempted to go to the potty at all, just has accidents all day.
Should I be doing something else? If so, what? Should I try to get him to help clean up? If so, how? Have I missed his window of opportunity?
Oh! The joys of potty training! Boys? Oh boy!
Boys (when they potty train or potty learn) act just as you described! They are fickle! What to do?
Here's what NOT to do (I find that much more helpful sometimes):
1. Don't show emotions when your child has accidents or refuses to try to go in the potty, just be matter-of-fact.
2. Don't expect the child to clean up accidents, you can invite them to help you, but at age 26 months they might not have the attention span or enough practical life experience (with wiping and cleaning) as they are still in a gross motor stage of development.
3. Don't be in a hurry to change them when they are wet... and exercise their "patience muscle". For example, your son comes to you wet and wants to get changed, say, "OK!" and wait a few minutes. He'll ask again, say, "OK!" and slowly get his change of clothes together... in other words part of potty training is letting the child feel wet; and part of having a toddler is teaching him to wait. Now is your chance!
4. Don't expect boys to be fully potty trained until age three (although at 26 months you have any early start).
5. Don't go back to diapers/pull-ups if you can help it! This just prolongs the potty training process and you end up starting all over again.
6. Don't expect independence, you have a toddler, some days he will refuse your help, other days he will cry for your help! It is a between stage of development (and a frustrating stage for them).
OK, here are some dos:
1. Remind your tot to go to the potty upon waking, before or after eating, before playing outside, before bedtime. Reminding is the best helper for potty training!
2. Allow your tot to experiment with dressing and undressing by leaving clothes in his room in a clothes hamper or basket.
3. Start stocking up on elastic waste pants (no more pants with zippers or snaps!).
4. Give hugs and kisses when he goes in the potty (in our classroom we used to sing a potty song!).
5. If you allow DVDs, show potty DVDs like Potty Time and Potty Power.
6. Start buying a few potty board books to read at bedtime.
And if it makes you feel any better, my son, who is 4 1/2, started this process at 2 1/2! But it takes Down syndrome several years to fully potty train (sometimes not until age 7 or 8!).
Lately, what works for my son (and it was suggested by a behavioral specialist)is to ask our son to go on the potty before we allow him a favorite activity--like eating or playing outside.
So when my son wants breakfast or a snack, etc., I ask him to sit on his potty (and offer him a special sticker afterwards--not a Montessori approach to be sure--no rewards no punishments! but I am a mom after all and a little desperate to get my 4 1/2 year old on the potty train--and for him to stay on it!).
He happily goes in his little potty now, then empties the contents in the big potty and flushes (this he loves more than the stickers he gets!). By the way I never showed him to pour out the pee! (And yes, it sometimes gets on the floor and all around, but if pouring gets him to go potty then so-be-it! Follow the child, right!)
One last potty tip, I promise!
A mom (the same mom who asked the question at the top of this post) e-mailed me a week later to say she and her husband found a great solution (from where I know not!): they allowed their son to put food coloring mixed with water into his potty before he used it (a Montessori pouring work!) and after he went he looked into his potty to see what happened to the color ("Yellow and red makes orange!"). I loved this tip and could not wait to blog about it!
So moms-to-boys, hang in there! And go out and buy some food coloring (and maybe a few stickers)!
What tips can you offer for potty training? Leave your comment!
Tuesday
My son's Montessori dressing corner
My son's Montessori dressing corner
Originally uploaded by newmearth
Are you thinking of making a Montessori dressing corner for your child/ren? Here is what we do at my house! In one corner of my son's room there is a bench for sitting and dressing and undressing and putting on and taking off shoes; a wicker shelf for placing clothes, shoes, and comb; a coat rack for jackets and bath towels; and a wicker basket for dirty clothes.
We do our best to keep it tidy, with a little extra help from mom (who folds the clothes until my son can learn how, and puts out-of-season jackets and shoes in the closet).
A few rules for this area are:
*No standing on the bench, too dangerous (believe me, he's done it!).
*Hangers are for hanging, not stacking or placing on the cat!
*Muddy wet boots (and shoes) go in a plastic bucket.
*Dirty clothes go in the clothes basket, clean clothes and PJ's go on the shelves (actually, most of his clean clothes are in the linen closet which he is not quite ready to access...).
*If he makes a big mess, he needs to clean it up before he plays outside, eats snack, or watches a video... and I sit in the room and help him using a neutral, mild mannered tone of voice.
*I keep the number of items to a minimum so my son does not have too much "stuff" around.
So pick a corner of your child's room and place a bench or stool or chair or pillow, coat rack, basket, and low shelves, and keep it simple!
Leave a comment about your child's dressing area, or lack there of!
Sunday
Are You Feeling Overwhelmed?
I get emails from many homeschool moms who are using Montessori at home and feel very overwhelmed and lost, and or don't know where to begin:
"I feel behind the power curve and completely lost. I don’t know where to start and how to get a handle on how to structure a day with my twin boys..."
"I am not a great structured/organized person, yet I like how montessori does give a lot of freedom. Anyway, just wanting any advice you can give me in starting out..."
"I thought homeschooling [my children] and giving them good education and our love will be the best I can give them, but I am so overwelemed, I don't think I can figure it out all on my own..."
Montessori homeschooling is a big commitment! It can feel overwhelming, but you are not alone! I'm an overwhelmed mom and I only have one boy! (The Montessori is the easy part, for me... it's getting my son into his car seat with his back arched that's hard--is it made of steel?) And who has time for all of it? Making materials, getting organized, following through... I won't lie and say it is easy! But many moms (and a few dads) are doing it!
And now more than ever there are a lot more resources and online Montessori materials and activities, as well as online help with Yahoo groups!
Here are a few suggestions if you are feeling overwhelmed and don't know how to begin:
Do it slowly over time. Don't try to do it all "overnight" or make everything all at once. Do what you can when you can. It's a learning process and you gather knowledge as you go.
Start with your environment--this can take several weeks and months! And it includes adding activities that you can first make at home, then keep adding activities as you have time to make them and money to buy them. During this time (and before you begin homeschooling) read as much as you can about Montessori, and continue your online research. As for a schedule, you can think about that after you get your home environment ready.
You want to teach love for learning more than anything! And it starts with you. Your children have many, many years to learn academics, but what will help them the most is a love for learning!
Please leave your comments!
Thursday
Telling Stories Can Help Deal With With Your Child's Issues at Home
"Once upon a time..."
One of the best ways to help your child deal with issues that arise on a day-to-day basis is to address them through telling stories through children's books, storytelling, puppet shows, finger puppets, and or felt story boards.
Each story needs to have these three elements: the characters in the story are similar to the people in your family, the story has a conflict (the issue), and it ends with a "life lesson."
Let's take the issue of having a child who is a perfectionist (my director was one of these types!). There are pros and cons or drawbacks. One pro is the beautiful work that they do, or art that they make (and perhaps it is the perfectionist who becomes a brain surgeon?!). One common drawback is how upset the child gets when they make a mistake, or when their project does not come out perfectly.
Your goal with telling a story is to help your child deal with drawbacks and offer an alternative (to getting so frustrated).
We used this storytelling method of dealing with issues at puppet showtime. The teacher would choose an issue of the day, so to speak, like a child coming to school and crying when the mom left (a common issue in preschool). And she would resolve the issue in the puppet show. "When the little girl came to school she said goodbye to her mommy and went to get the crayons and drew a picture for her mommy to make her feel better. She knew she would have fun at school and that is was OK to miss her mommy because she loved her so much."
At home, it is usually bedtime when stories are read. This is an ideal time for you to make up your own issue-solving story. You can use two puppets to tell the story, or a felt story board, or just use your own voice.
For story ideas try the following book: Healing Stories for Challenging Behaviour
Friday
How to Get Your Child Interested in Sorting
