Bedtime Issues for Toddlers

I often get emails from moms who can't get their toddlers to go to sleep independently, they try everything! The following mom has spent up to TWO hours getting her toddler to sleep!

He has been using his toys to beat down the door to his room. Now this is after about 20 min of cuddle time, rocking, me patting his back and singing to him. It's not like we are just throwing him in his bed. It can take on the upwards to 2 hrs. to get him to sleep.... I'll take any suggestions that you may have!


Here's my advice (and you can start as young as six months). We also used this method for our own son.

When you put your toddler in his crib/bed, leave for five minutes. He will cry. Let him cry for five minutes, then check in on him. Place him back down, pat him once or twice, then leave for ten minutes.

He will cry. Let him cry for ten minutes, then check on him. Place him back down, pat him once or twice, then leave the room for 15 minutes.

He will cry. Let him cry for 15 minutes, then check on him. Place him back down and pat him once or twice, then leave the room for 20 minutes.

He will cry but by now will be so tired he will fall asleep, hopefully, within 20 minutes. (And no talking when you go back into the room each time! It leads to him responding to what you say and prolonging the process.)

You will need to repeat this "five minute method" for three to seven nights. That's how long it usually takes.

It will be hard for the family. But it will help him to relearn to fall asleep in his room without feeling totally abandoned.

And the reason for checking in on him after the given time is to: see if he is poopy, has a fever, has fallen down, to reassure him with your presence with a pat or two.

I don't think it is safe (or necessary) to leave a child/infant and let him "cry it out." I also think it is easier on the parents if they can go in at certain intervals.

During this time, let him have his attachment object(s) in his crib/bed. Soon he will use them for comfort and depend less on you.

Some parents leave the light on, but a nightlight should suffice. You might play music but you don't want to keep going back in the room to replay it! So I always recommend a white noise machine that will play continuously throughout the night. (We use a child-safe fan.)

Know this: the longer you wait to wean him off you at bedtime the harder it will be! But don't start the process unless YOU are ready! And don't start if you are moving, going on vacation, changing day cares or babysitters... start the process after all known "life changes" have occurred.

Another trick to help with bedtime is to allow some books in the crib or bed so if he is not "tired" he can look at books. Another trick is to have a crib-side musical aquarium for them to play.

It is also OK if a child is not tired and wants to play in their room rather than go right to sleep, (and let them pass out on the floor if necessary). Although it takes some getting used to by the parents! And it presents its own issues, but is better than a crying, hysterical child!

How do you get your toddler to sleep? Leave your comments!

What is Montessori's view on a crying baby? Let it cry or give it immediate attention?

I have this 3 month old [in my daycare] who cries when he is not picked up.... His mother said that she lets him cry until he goes to sleep, she does not pick him up, as long as he is fed and dry. What is the Montessori view on this matter?

Montessori philosophy supports the concept of allowing infants, toddlers, and preschoolers a time for frustration, that we should not run to a child's rescue whenever we see him "frustrated," that we need to allow him time to "work it out" on his own. This includes infants.

But, with a three month old infant, this is not the case, they are not crying out of frustration because they are trying to crawl or walk (as would an older infant).

Yet there has always been that question of whether to let a crying baby cry, or give it immediate attention. (I am not talking about infants and sleeping in the crib, that is a seperate issue!)

One (old) school of thought is to not run to it every time it cries (when it is not sleeping).

Another is to not let a baby cry and go to it and attend to it.

Since Maria Montessori's time, many studies have been done on infants, and the old fashioned view of letting a baby cry (or you will spoil it!) is actually harmful. This does not mean you give in to a tantrumming toddler!

So you really have to do what is "developmentally appropriate"!

If you have the book, Montessori from the Start, by Lillard and Jessen, she discusses crying on pages 223-226 and uses a family with an infant as an example. However, it is a very one-sided example and does not apply to all infants, and only supports the book's view (and Montessori's) of having more of a hands-off approach to babies (during play).

Instead, I highly recommend the book, The First Twelve Months of Life, by Caplan. His view is opposite of the one described in the Montessori book I mentioned, and it is based on lots of research and studies and experiments. I agree with his views.

I read about a study in a handout when my son was born, and it said that when babies are left to cry, are under stress, upset a lot (I'm paraphrasing it) their brain starts to secrete harmful hormones affecting brain development... much like the article I found here: http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/07/14/the_odd_body_crying/and here: http://fresnofamily.com/articles/aa040100c.htm

In support of Montessori, it is important to know what stages of development the infant, toddler, and young child is in and to use your "power of observation."

Three month olds are fascinated with their hands and feet, as well as people's faces (this is one reason they calm down when held). They also love rattles and touching hanging mobiles. I suggest putting "rattle socks" on the infant's hands and or feet to encourage them to explore the hands and feet, as well as child-proof/baby safe mirror that they can peer into at eye level.

I also suggest putting up pictures of peoples faces (happy ones) around the room at eye level so the infant can see them, perhaps cut them out of magazines and tape them on the walls near floor level, changing area, etc.

Here are some more tips on three-month olds: they become very social and love to interact with a familiar adult (and get upset when that adult stops interacting with them); they can play for as long as 45 minutes; can see the objects in the room (rather than only in front of them as before); they enjoy "mouthing" objects including their hands (and what they are holding); and they try to explore their face using their hands, as well as try to "clasp" them together.

Suggested activities: low hanging mobiles, rattles, rubber rings, toys that squeak.

Other needs: "continuity of care" (doing the same things in the same order at the same time each day, as much as possible); affection; a stimulating environment; and repetition.

Lastly, I will leave you with a quote that you can share with this infant's mother: "Saying that a crying baby 'just wants attention' makes as much sense as saying 'He just wants food.' They are both real needs. Feed him if he is hungry, and if he is bored do not let him 'cry it out.' Try picking him up and bringing him into the family circle, where he can enjoy its richness."--Caplan.

I think Maria Montessori would agree with that!

What are your thoughts? Leave a comment!

A Heart-Wrenching Decision: Pulling Your Child Out of Montessori School

During this recession, I get more emails from moms who are faced with the heart-wrenching decision to pull their children out of Montessori school and place them in a local public school for financial reasons. Emails like this one:

I have two children [almost] 7 and 8. [They have been] in a private Montessori school since the age of 3. I have just taken them out and they actually start public school on Monday. I’m terrified.

This was not by choice that I made this decision, but rather by necessity. Private school is really expensive.

My thought is to work with them in the evenings with [your Montessori homeschool] program, and at some point maybe just pull them out [of public school] and home school them.

My main concern is whether I can do this or not.

We love Montessori, and taking them out of school was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. I literally cry when I think about it. I loved what they were learning in class, but I have no concept of how they learned it.

I want to implement [your Montessori homeschool] program at home and have my children continue to receive a Montessori education, but I also want to make sure that I’m capable of doing so. My fear is that I will do more harm than good. Any help you could give me would be greatly appreciated.


My heart goes out to moms in this situation! I know this is a difficult decision!

My advice as a Montessori teacher and mom: give the public school a chance, wait and see how it works out for your children.

Chances are your children will be advanced compared to the other children in their class. This is not a bad thing, but one issue to watch for is boredom. Stay in close communication with their teachers and the administrator regarding keeping your children challenged.

Some public schools have programs for "gifted" and "advanced" children, ask your school what they offer such students... (In my high school the classes for the really smart kids were called "honor" classes.)

My friend has a very bright child who can get easily bored if not challenged. He just entered a public school from a Montessori preschool, but the public school is one of the better ones, and starting in the third grade, they have a program for advanced, gifted children (I don't know that much about it). The mom is already on the ball. And she volunteers one morning a week at the school.

What I can say above all else, what is most important, is that you want your children to love and enjoy learning, be it Montessori or public school. And I can guess they already do coming from a Montessori school.

As for your feelings and fears, I don't want to say hide them, but help your children feel supported. Start off by trying to have a positive attitude about their new school, new teachers, and new friends.

What I do not recommend is trying Montessori at home while they are in public school. Public schools now-a-days demand a lot from their students in the way of homework, etc. Children in school have a lot more pressure than when we were in school.

So stay positive and support them as much as you can. Keep in close contact with the school. And if things do not work out, you now have a plan B! Montessori homeschool.

On a personal note, at age 4 1/2 I had to pull my son (with Down syndrome) out of Montessori school. He just could not function, even with an aide. It broke my heart but not his!

He's doing great in his special needs preschool and loves learning!


Have you had to pull your child/ren out of a Montessori school this year? Leave your comments!

Enrichment Programs for Tots?

Are you are creating the right social opportunities for your tot? And is playing at the park enough? Or should you enroll your toddler in some enrichment programs?

One mom posed the question this way:

So many of my friends here think that getting their kids into social groups, where they have "circle time" and learn to play together, etc., is really important. I'm starting to wonder if my son would be missing out if his only social interaction is at the park.

People [here] are crazy about all sorts of "enrichment" programs and classes for babies and toddlers, and while I think the enrichment idea is hogwash, we have joined some weekly classes merely for the opportunity to meet other moms and babies.

However, most of our friends are now entering half-day playgroups or nursery schools, which means they aren't as available for playdates at the park, etc.

I'm looking for advice on the social needs of kids under two. How important is it that he be in structured social situations vs. mostly at home with me with some social free play?


So many parents face these types of decisions! I myself have, but for different reasons: I wanted to socialize my child as early as ten months old--for myself! I needed to be out of the house and meet other moms! It was wonderful (for me!). I joined two mother's clubs and did the playgroups and the mother's club events and the local parks, and looking back it was the best thing I did--for myself. (I am still friends with many of those moms!)

When my son was 18 months old he started a local daycare called Early Headstart. This decision was for my son who was born with Down syndrome: he had no siblings and I knew he needed to be around other children to aid in his development--within six weeks of going to this daycare he started walking.

When he turned three he left the program (which only went to age three) and started a Montessori toddler program two or three mornings a week. He also went to an in-home daycare so I could work at home and so he could be around other children: my son is very social! He needs to be around other children!

What about your tot?

Tots can be fine at home, and they can be fine in a daycare: your tot will not be smarter for going to daycare, necessarily, or less smart for not being in a daycare program. But it should not be about raising the next Mozart or Picasso! Did they go to daycare or enrichment programs when they were infants? Would it have mattered?

As for the toddler year (age 24-36 months), being in a daycare can help your toddler learn basic social skills and school routines (having snack in a group, sitting in a circle for songs and stories, learning to take turns, etc.).

And not all toddlers have to go to a daycare program, many moms keep their toddler at home one more year (and then decide on preschool). This can be for financial reasons or because the toddler is happy at home (and so is the mom!).

How important is it that your tot be in structured social situations vs. mostly at home with you with some social free play? That depends on you and what makes you happy and sane!

Some children do fine at home and the moms are happy! Other moms are miserable and need that time away from their children; and or the mom discovers her child would be happier in a daycare setting part time. Each situation is different! But again, it should not depend on the need for "enrichment."

Notice how I hardly mentioned Montessori? That is secondary, secondary to your happiness as a mom, and your tot's happiness!

If you think you would be happy (and sane) keeping your tot at home, and your tot is happy and content being home alone with you, knowing you will have more of a challenge connecting with other moms and children, than keep your tot home.

But if you feel you need some time for yourself and a break from your tot (some tots are easy, others are a HANDFUL--like mine was--OH BOY!) and or if you think your tot would be happy (or happier) around other tots, and or you really need to stay connected with other moms and the only way to do it is to enroll your tot in daycare, then give it a try two or three half days a week.

Some of the best children we had in our Montessori preschool were those who never went to a daycare! So don't let that be the ONLY reason!

What do you think? Make a comment!

LN

Comments on "Can You Give a Toddler a Lesson"

I loved the following email comment I got recently regarding "Can You Give a Toddler a Lesson," and wanted to share it with you (along with other comments I've received on what appears to be my most popular blog post):

I am a Certified Infant and Toddler Montessori educator in Lincoln, Maine and this age group is a true test to Montessori philosophy when Maria Montessori said, "Wait while observing. That is the motto of the Montessori educator."

We as Montessori educators are here as observers and guides only. It is the children who are our teachers. I leave my toddler Montessori materials out always and they are very drawn to the materials and at that time when I see the interest do I attempt to make a very quick lesson introduction, like the knobbed cylinders. If you set up discouraging materials that are not appropriate, you will almost see them stay away from the whole shelf. I can probably count the number of times on my hand I have successfully given a three period lesson with a child under three but, oh my gosh what a "Montessori Moment" when it does happen.

Sincerely,

K. N.
Building Blocks Montessori
Lincoln, Maine

I realise this is an old post but it is 'the missing link' for me with Montessori - I have never tried lessons with her because it seems insane - she learns by imitation and by doing things herself - but sitting down and watching - no way! And your post about mats was helpful too - thanks--Gypsy

Ah, confirmation! I am a homeschooling mom that has been reading everything I can get my hands Montessori related. I have simply provided an ordered environment and I rotate work/activites that my just 2yo can do himself. Every once in a while the opportunity for a lesson presents itself but nothing steady yet. Thank you for the confirmation that this is normal toddler behavior. I love your blog!--Theresa, hs mom of 4


Do you have a comment to share about trying to give your toddler a lesson? Please share it!

In These Hard Times Some Motherly Advice

We as parents put pressure on ourselves when it comes to our children: "Wean the tot off the bottle or he'll get too attached," "Take away the pacifier or it will affect your child's speech," "Get on the potty train NOW or your son will miss it," "Give less juice and more milk and improve your family's diet," and the list goes on!

And the fact that we're experiencing the most difficult economic times since the Great Depression means life is more overwhelming than ever. We're over-doing, over-thinking, over-working, over-compensating, and over-tired.

I want to say as a mom who puts pressure on herself to keep up with it all, to "Give yourself permission to be an imperfect parent."

It seems we are always striving, and that is a good thing. But I must confess, as a mom, I feel I am often over-striving. And I need to stop and remind myself that it is OK to be less than: less than perfect!

I'm not a perfectionist, not by any means, just an over-doer-mom. Part of the reason is my Montessori background and the fact that I have a special needs child who has many, many needs and the pressure to fulfill those needs is great.

But at the same time, I am OK with NOT being the perfect parent. I am laxed with the potty training. I allow my son to watch videos (I tell myself it's because he's an only child with no siblings to play with). Sometimes I forget to have him brush his teeth. I still let him have a "blankie" at age 4 1/2. I buy him too many books and puzzles (that's probably a good thing). I don't give him juice but I let him have chocolate soy milk mixed with regular milk.

Above and beyond parenting we put pressure on ourselves to clean, cook, budget, pay bills on time, pull weeds, care for an aging parent, bake cookies (actually I don't do that), do laundry, have a social life (goodness forbid!), and... you get the picture.

So... what if we let the house work go? Say no to baking those cookies (I do!). Take a break from our elderly parent(s) once in a while. Open a can of soup for dinner. We can let a few things go and still be good moms!

And during these tough economic times it's even more important that you take the pressure off of yourself: let your two year old keep her bottle a little while longer. Keep the pacifiers around another three months. Hold off on potty training until YOU are ready for it. Give your kid some juice (but mix it with water--see! there I go again!).

Strive to under-strive.

Perfect that art of imperfection.

Be a mom who can--and cannot, "Not now, maybe later, mommy's tired... here, have some juice."

*****

How are you an imperfect mom? Leave a comment!

The Battle of the Toothbrush!

What to do when your little one no longer wants you to brush his teeth and gums! A concerned parent emailed me recently about her toddler:

My only child... is 19 months old now and has recently begun resisting getting his teeth brushed.... He used to put the brush in his mouth on his own at first, then I'd brush his teeth before we were "done". Now he doesn't want to hold the brush and will turn his head, push his tongue out, and press his lips down. I try making funny sounds (he'll laugh and open his mouth but it's short lived) or finally pin him down and get it done.... Am wondering if you have any thoughts about my only child.

Here's what I did when my son started to resist getting his teeth and gums brushed, I stopped. I wanted him to LOVE brushing teeth... not hate it!

My husband was oh-so-concerned about this decision. But I felt like pushing the issue (of cleaning his teeth) could turn my son off to the whole ideal of brushing his teeth forever and ever and ever, and then where would we be? In the dentist office with problems galore!

So I let him do it himself, I gave him fun flavors of toothpaste including non-fluoride. I had a score of toothbrushes to hand him after each mealtime... but I did not interfere. Over time my son began to LOVE brushing his teeth! It was his job, not mine, even though he was not actually brushing his teeth but sucking and chewing on the toothbrush.

I chose to fight OTHER battles instead, like keeping my son's glasses on! I felt like that was more important at the time. (He's been wearing glasses since he was six months old; and not until age four did he finally give up the fight and keep his darn glasses on all the time.)

So what's happening with teeth brushing now that he's 4 1/2? He lets me brush his teeth, once a day, at bedtime. And it's not a battle! (It helps that I count to twenty and that he loves numbers.)

He still does it himself, and he still loves it, so much so that lately he's been sneaking into the bathroom to... No, not flush the potty over and over. No, not pull all the paper off the toilet paper roll. No, not dump the trash on the floor. He sneaks in there to brush his teeth when no one's watching!

As parents, we have to decide which battles to fight. I chose not to fight this one. It took a few years of letting go, however, but I was confident we would both win in the end!

Footnote: our dentist appointments were very helpful! Our son did not have any issues with his gums or his teeth. However, I knew there would come a day when the dentist would tell me to get in there and brush my son's teeth, I put off that day for a long time. And now it is not an issue.

So what's the moral of the story? Give up a battle today to win a war tomorrow (and check in with your child's dentist!).

*** *** *** ***

Does your child resist getting his or her teeth brushed? Leave a comment!

My child won't take a lesson!

Recently I got an email from a mom of a young three year old in Asia who won't let the mom give lessons. (Usually I get these emails from moms of toddlers!) Alas, I have the same issue with my son (and he's older than three!). Some kids will never take instruction (well) from a parent! What to do?!

Try instead to interact with your child during other times, like when he or she is taking a bath, looking at books with you, getting dressed, or sitting down and eating. (I think this is called having a captive audience!) Count the pieces of food while you put them in the dish: count ten grapes or ten crackers; or introduce colors to your children while eating: "This is a red place mat, this is a yellow cup. Can you say red? Can you say yellow." Then the next day, point to the red place mat and ask her "Is this red or yellow?" And a few days later, ask her "What color is the place mat? What color is the cup?" This is a three-period lesson given over several days.

I did this all the time with my son who has Down syndrome, and by age three he knew all his primary colors and he knew them in sign language! All from interacting with him at meal time, bath time, getting dressed, looking at books.. and not through a sit-down-at-a-table-or-a-rug lesson!

So what I'm trying to say is you have to be creative and find other ways to "teach" your child without sitting down and giving lessons (for now).

It is harder for moms to give their children lessons because the young child wants to be in control of his or her actions and does not want mom to interfere! And if you are a type of person who needs to have control, your child is teaching you to let go of some of that control.

But I feel for all you moms who have trouble giving lessons to their youngsters, my son does not let me give lessons or help him do much of anything! I have to be very creative! It keeps us moms on our toes to be sure!

How do you give your hard-to-teach child lessons? Leave a comment!

Control Freakonomics

Thankfully I am not a control freak. Honest.

But I do find myself biting my lip when my son puts his clothes on backwards, or misses a spot when he wipes his table, or uses his water colors WITHOUT water--hello!

OK, when he did this the other day I had to say something, and he protested: "Mommy no! Mine!" I insisted he get some more water (it spilled) as I saw his water color paints get dried out, along with his paintbrush, making my skin crawl and my lip bleed from biting it so hard--not really, but you get the point.

So am I a control freak? I don't think so. Yet I find it so hard not to interfere!

Which brings me to the next point, one I know you've heard over and over and over again: pick your battles, don't let them pick you!

You can't battle your child over everything. Some things you have to let go. Roll your eyes. Turn your head. Bite your lip. Count to ten. Count to a hundred. Walk away. Run away. Have a glass of wine or a cup of herbal tea.

As much as you feel the need to be in control, so does your child. It's natural. It's healthy. It will drive you nuts!

I just happen to have a child who is willing (and able) to battle me over EVERYTHING if I let him... Don't know where he gets it from!

So what if he runs around with his shirt on backwards. So what if he doesn't wipe his table perfectly.

Control freak or no control freak, I need to let my child feel in control, to learn from his mistakes, to say, "No mommy! No!" as I bite my lip and run for a glass of wine.


What are some of your battles? Leave a comment!

Should Your Child Continue On In Montessori?

I receive email from time-to-time from parents who question whether or not they should keep their child in Montessori school, especially if the child is five, because the question becomes whether the child should stay in Montessori for their Kindergarten year, or enroll in a public school or non-Montessori private school, enter a Waldorf school, or stay home and be homeschooled. It is a big decision! The following is an email from such a mom:

My almost five year old is finishing his second year at a montessori school, and though we love it, I am not sure their approach is what is best for him. He has been building the same words for the past six months [Movable Alphabet] and generally is not motivated to do new harder things because he isn't good at it. He gets the greatest satisfaction out of easier work. The teachers try to get him working on more serious stuff, but it he generally seems bored at school and tells me he doesn't want to go because it's boring. I know that montessori likes everyone to move at their own pace, but he is telling me he is bored and I know that he is not getting the push that he needs to keep things challenging for him.

In a nutshell, this mom was wondering if she should take her child out of the Montessori school and was asking for my opinion on her son's current situation...

Learning to read: In Montessori's view there are two sensitive periods for reading: one at age five and another one at age eight. However, not all children have an interest and a hunger to read at age five--to get them to reading is like pulling teeth! Instead, they show an interest around age eight. (Waldorf begins reading lessons at age eight, but not before.)

So it may be that this mom's five year old son is not interested in reading, or getting to reading, and it may not come until age eight. The problem now is if he is pushed too hard to read, at age five, it may turn him off altogether to reading so that by age eight he just hates it--then you really have issues.

It may be that he is more interested in numbers and counting and math, or social interaction, or geography, or plants and animals.

So I do not think pushing him in reading or pre-reading is an answer, at school or at home. And there are plenty of other areas of the classroom that he can work in.

What you want more than anything is for your child to love learning, and if he is not loving learning, ask yourself what changes you need to make to get him on that path. Sometimes it is a different teacher! But we don't always have control over that. Maybe you are the answer and homeschooling is more appropriate. But make your number one goal to teach your child to love learning, not to teach him to learn how to read or build longer words. And a good, experienced Montessori teacher will know and understand this, even if it recommends that the child not continue in Montessori.

I recently had to make the heart-breaking decision (for me) to take my son out of his Montessori school and place him in a special needs class, a decision I did not make lightly! But I knew that most importantly, I want him to love learning, to love school, even if it means not sending him to Montessori.